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[ website | Lame Poetry via dA ]
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[06 Mar 2015|10:47am]

Not everyone on my list is a friend, and not all friends are on my list.

I just went through my journal and made every entry private. This is so that the new people in my life don't get to know every little thing about me without learning it the hard way.
If there is anyone out there who was reading this that wants to be able to read it still, comment to be added.

In the meantime check out my:
..........Facebook.......... .......Deviant Art.........
............Twitter............ .........MySpace..........
4 commentsLove me.

So this site is still here. [14 Jan 2013|11:21am]
Every so often I like to come back to you, LJ, just for nostalgia. I think it is mostly because I can vomit this self-indulgent, narcissistic drivel, and hardly anyone will read it.
I blog on facebook once in a while, but it's weird knowing I have an audience of family and peers, as well as a handful of strangers.
I can't talk about sex, can't talk about drugs, so that just leaves me with rock and roll, I guess. I haven't had a rock and roll experience in a while, so my blog has run completely dry on the facebook front.
I really have nothing to write about here, either.
I've been in bed for months, weening off of methadone. I guess that is pretty rock and roll, now that I think about it. Or it was. Now it's just a black hole sucking all my energy and ambition, leaving me with a massive headache, and an incessant head rush when I try to stand.
It wasn't that bad until this last drop. I went from 15mls a day to 10, and all of a sudden it felt like I wasn't taking any methadone at all. I forgot how to sleep. My whole body ached. I kept involuntarily moving my foot around in a rapid circle, and could only stop it by grabbing on to it.
It's been almost 2 weeks at that dose and it's getting a little better. A handful of nyquil gel tabs and maximum strength sublingual melatonin tablets have been giving me a few hours of sleep each night.
The problem is that now I am scared. I have come so far and am so close to the end, but don't want to feel this way again so soon.
I should have never listened to Aeriel. I should have gone to the hospital the second I realized she had got me addicted. She told me they wouldn't be able to do anything for me, but she lied.
They could have given me clonidine. They could have given me xanax. They could have given me sleeping pills.
I could have lied in a hospital bed miserable for 5 days, and not had to waste a year of my life.
At least it is a year that is almost over.
I say I am too scared to go on, but I am more scared to end up on methadone for the rest of my life.
Thankfully, Owen will be home to help me soon. He gets out of jail February 6th (for something he didn't actually do), and I am hoping he will decide to give Port Hardy a try.
If not, I will move back to the city. It's bad timing, considering that is where all the drugs are, and I am at the hardest part of my recovery. Also, Aeriel taught me how to rig the urine test at the clinic there, so I could relapse and no one would know but me.
I don't think that will happen, but I feel better knowing it can't.
Owen and I have stuck it out through some pretty awful stuff on both sides, so I am sure he will be willing to compromise for me.
This is the longest relationship I have had since high school. For a long time I thought all my relationships came equipped with an egg timer that didn't go past 4 months.
I guess he and I met at just the right time. If I wasn't in trouble when I met him I don't know if I would have been willing to let him into my life.
I am glad I did, though.
I think I am finally over my fear of commitment, and my fear of being a horrible girlfriend.
Soon I will finally get to celebrate a one year anniversary with no make-up-break-ups in between.
Hooray, adulthood!
 Love me.

[08 Aug 2012|07:53pm]
Ok, seriously, I would like to know which one of the gods I pissed off.
Since I have been back, the following has occurred:
-a kid I grew up with died
-a friend I used to work with died
-my favourite uncle who I was really close to died
-my last living grandparent, my mom's mom, is in the hospital about to die
-my doctor is on a mission to ruin my life, manipulating me by not letting me go do certain things, and taking away privileges without telling me why, behind my back, when I don't even deserve it. Worst of all, she prevented me from going to Van to see my grandma one last time, and also kept me from seeing Owen.
-I accidentally found out Bryden is engaged, which wouldn't have mattered at all if I didn't find out. I assumed he would get married or knock her up eventually, I just expected never to hear about it. 2+ years of forgetting he existed now temporarily ruined.
-and NOW, THE ICING ON THE CAKE, I get a text from my boyfriend today saying he is on the way to a bail hearing, because he is being charged with assault, and will probably be going to JAIL! I haven't heard back, so yeah, I think my babe is in jail. Well, at least one of us is going to get some dick (ugh, bad joke, I'm damaged).

OK, I FUCKING GET IT. KARMA IS TAKING A HUGE SHIT ALL OVER MY LIFE. COOL STORY, BRO. When are you going to lay the fuck off of it, though?
The only positive thing I have to say about this, however, is that I have been through fucking everything in the past two months, and I haven't gone back to using drugs. I never suspected I would, but at least I can throw that in my bitch doctors face to remind her why treating her patients with cruelty and bias is wrong.
Also, because of her last infraction, my mom understands why I want to move away. If my doctor hadn't been a huge cunt, I would have been pretty comfortable here for the time being, aside from missing my Owen (which, it turns out, is inevitable anyway). I would have had no reason to leave.
So, I get what I wanted...sort of. I get to move back to the lower mainland. I will likely be moving into my soon-to-be dead grandmothers place to help sort her belongings and distribute them according to her wishes.
However, the main reason I wanted to move back is because long distances relationships are gay (literally, because I have no way to express my heterosexuality). If Owen is in jail, I am not moving back to be with Owen. I am moving back to miss Owen from a new location.
I'm angry, but I must say I am holding it together pretty well, considering. I haven't done any of the stupid shit I used to do when I was upset. I haven't 'got drunk about it', like Josh and I used to do when either of us had a problem. I haven't harmed myself, or binged on anything. I mean, my eating habits aren't stellar, but I am eating like I do when I feel normal.
The only drug I've used since I got stabilized on methadone was acid last week at Carrington, and it's pretty much impossible to have 'an acid problem'. I use acid once, and I am good on acid for months, maybe even a whole year. Doing good acid is like reading a good book. When you get to the end, you feel like you've learned something, and you've enjoyed where your mind just took you, but you don't feel the need to immediately read the book again. You might read it again when you start to forget most of the story.
I guess there is one more thing to appreciate about all the horrible shit that has been happening. I finally feel sane. I feel like I have finally stock-piled enough good coping mechanisms to be able to handle life as it happens.
Of everything I just mentioned, only one of the things made me cry, and that was when my uncle mel passed away. Those tears are more than warranted.
So, at least I have my sanity. Plus, being back on the mainland means hanging out with Chuk again. That will be good for my soul I think. Allycia too. And her room mates. Allycia's roommates are the shit. Also I hear Johmalain is there as well, now. Life is about to get better. Maybe Owen will be released swiftly, or whichever correctional facility he ends up in will offer conjugal visits.
Fuck. I really love this one, and we just spent 2 months apart as it is. If he has a long stay ahead of him, he is going to forget my voice. He might even forget my face. He might not even be the same person when he gets out. I hope he calls me. Cody Ross called me from jail once, I am sure Owen can make calls.
Anyways. My mom is late getting back from her visit to the mainland, so I might have to bake again tomorrow morning. Better head to sleep just in case. Au revoir!
 Love me.

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