||[08 Aug 2012|07:53pm]
Ok, seriously, I would like to know which one of the gods I pissed off.
Since I have been back, the following has occurred:
-a kid I grew up with died
-a friend I used to work with died
-my favourite uncle who I was really close to died
-my last living grandparent, my mom's mom, is in the hospital about to die
-my doctor is on a mission to ruin my life, manipulating me by not letting me go do certain things, and taking away privileges without telling me why, behind my back, when I don't even deserve it. Worst of all, she prevented me from going to Van to see my grandma one last time, and also kept me from seeing Owen.
-I accidentally found out Bryden is engaged, which wouldn't have mattered at all if I didn't find out. I assumed he would get married or knock her up eventually, I just expected never to hear about it. 2+ years of forgetting he existed now temporarily ruined.
-and NOW, THE ICING ON THE CAKE, I get a text from my boyfriend today saying he is on the way to a bail hearing, because he is being charged with assault, and will probably be going to JAIL! I haven't heard back, so yeah, I think my babe is in jail. Well, at least one of us is going to get some dick (ugh, bad joke, I'm damaged).
OK, I FUCKING GET IT. KARMA IS TAKING A HUGE SHIT ALL OVER MY LIFE. COOL STORY, BRO. When are you going to lay the fuck off of it, though?
The only positive thing I have to say about this, however, is that I have been through fucking everything in the past two months, and I haven't gone back to using drugs. I never suspected I would, but at least I can throw that in my bitch doctors face to remind her why treating her patients with cruelty and bias is wrong.
Also, because of her last infraction, my mom understands why I want to move away. If my doctor hadn't been a huge cunt, I would have been pretty comfortable here for the time being, aside from missing my Owen (which, it turns out, is inevitable anyway). I would have had no reason to leave.
So, I get what I wanted...sort of. I get to move back to the lower mainland. I will likely be moving into my soon-to-be dead grandmothers place to help sort her belongings and distribute them according to her wishes.
However, the main reason I wanted to move back is because long distances relationships are gay (literally, because I have no way to express my heterosexuality). If Owen is in jail, I am not moving back to be with Owen. I am moving back to miss Owen from a new location.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. ARGH!!
I'm angry, but I must say I am holding it together pretty well, considering. I haven't done any of the stupid shit I used to do when I was upset. I haven't 'got drunk about it', like Josh and I used to do when either of us had a problem. I haven't harmed myself, or binged on anything. I mean, my eating habits aren't stellar, but I am eating like I do when I feel normal.
The only drug I've used since I got stabilized on methadone was acid last week at Carrington, and it's pretty much impossible to have 'an acid problem'. I use acid once, and I am good on acid for months, maybe even a whole year. Doing good acid is like reading a good book. When you get to the end, you feel like you've learned something, and you've enjoyed where your mind just took you, but you don't feel the need to immediately read the book again. You might read it again when you start to forget most of the story.
I guess there is one more thing to appreciate about all the horrible shit that has been happening. I finally feel sane. I feel like I have finally stock-piled enough good coping mechanisms to be able to handle life as it happens.
Of everything I just mentioned, only one of the things made me cry, and that was when my uncle mel passed away. Those tears are more than warranted.
So, at least I have my sanity. Plus, being back on the mainland means hanging out with Chuk again. That will be good for my soul I think. Allycia too. And her room mates. Allycia's roommates are the shit. Also I hear Johmalain is there as well, now. Life is about to get better. Maybe Owen will be released swiftly, or whichever correctional facility he ends up in will offer conjugal visits.
Fuck. I really love this one, and we just spent 2 months apart as it is. If he has a long stay ahead of him, he is going to forget my voice. He might even forget my face. He might not even be the same person when he gets out. I hope he calls me. Cody Ross called me from jail once, I am sure Owen can make calls.
Anyways. My mom is late getting back from her visit to the mainland, so I might have to bake again tomorrow morning. Better head to sleep just in case. Au revoir!